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shit happens....

 I feel like crying alittle bit for some reason.....Im starting to get that overwhelmed feeling like i usually get.....Im really depressed right now..because of fucking how much time there is in a day to not accomplish anything I want to do with myself....I wake up at 6 or 7 am..get ready for work..work 8-9 sometimes 10 hours a day..by the time I get off..its like 8 or 9 at night...i make dinner and shower and its almost 1030...which means well I have to head to bed because i have to wake up at 6 or 7 in the morning again...Its such a fucked up routine that I havent even been able to do the simplest things...like eat..or cash my checks..or even hang out with my friends...

its 3 am right now.....I went to bed around 10...but ive prob only had about 3 hours of sleep///I just keep tossing and turning waiting till 6 before i have to wake up....I feel really exhausted ...another 10 hour day tmrw....yay!!!

I dont know whats going on between us...but I feel like you dont want to hang out as much as we always did before..maybe its because our mix of friends dont mix very well anymore...im blaming it on the fact that i work too much.....but im scared that might not be the ultimate reason for this "fall out"  Im hoping once we move to otown things will get better between us...and get back to old fun ways of us kickin it together...maybe im too stressed because i havent been able to vent to anyone...i think thats what i miss the most...my venting time with you...you always let me bitch to you about everything that was going wrong in my life and it always made me feel better afterwards...but ur too busy..im too busy...were just too busy for each other.

le sigh....

 Ive been trying to figure out why I havent been able to sleep lately...when it turned into a month..i wasnt that worried..but when the one month turned into months..I had to seek help...the clinic said insomnia is normal...Apparently Im at stage one..which is transient insomnia..(being able to stay up to at least three days with no sleep)  Im supposed to keep a time sheet of my sleeping and eating habits for the next 5 weeks.  The doctor said its important to not let my body get used to patterns of no sleep..because then that can ultimately turn itself into chronic insomnia which can last years.  

I havent been keeping my journal of my sleep at all..and when I mean keep..i mean I havent even started one yet.

I think something is wrong but im not sure.  something is obviously bothering me for the past 6 months and I cant figure out for the life of me what it is...Im noticing myself becoming more irritable at silly things..I notice myself becoming more sensetive to silly things...I cant seem to get out of this rut that im in.

Im starting fights with people who i dont want to fight with....im starting to lose the relationships i have with my friends...I dont know whether to blame it on lack of sleep..or to blame it on myself...Ive been really mean lately..and I hate that..it tears me up inside..but for some reason its easier for me to take my frustrations out on my friends than anyone else..I have it my head that my love and their love is unconditional..that im somewhat aloud to be this horrible person because at the end of the day..im still unconditionally likeable?

I dont know how to fix alot of things ive done or said..Ive never been one to have talks..or talk about why im pissed..I usually just resort to doing things that easily make me forget..i think thats the problem..i think alot of stuff is just now hitting me that Ive left unsaid...i cant even begin to imagine all the things ive let slip under the cracks without talking to anyone about them.

I managed to get a full-time job starting monday.  which ultimately sucks because its almost summer..and Im pretty sure im gonna be left out of some pretty epic hang out times while ill be working everyday..which i know is gonna depress me.

Where did the cool Jessie go? The jessie that was laid back...didnt give a shit about anything...the jessie that lived life like it was a comedy show....the Jessie that everyone still liked and wanted to be around...the chick that was and felt fucking epic?

Despite all this crazy nonsense emo bullshit I just spewed out all over my lj...Im really looking forward to relocating to Orlando....I took a walk just now around the neighborhood and I pretty much laughed the whole way remembering funny stories and moments that are just absolutely unforgettable that ive had for the past 10 years..and im really looking forward to more moments like that in the next 10.  Its nice to know when im feeling down or some bullshit like that..my mind can just instantly go to a conversation Ive had with any of my insanely rad friends..and it just suddenly makes me smile.

 Im just so grateful to be able to be apart of an epic mix of people....There are alot of things that they have done for me and with me that I feel like I could never return the favor.and moments that I hold dear to me..(walks around the neighborhood, sneaking in my room just to give me a deadleg, watching me be the first person out of us to graduate college, letting me cry with you when I found out my parents were getting a divorce, sticking up for me when you didnt need to, our random road trips, giving me a place to spend christmas and thanksgiving because i didnt want to spend them alone,  ) i could potentially make an endless list..but i dont want to bore myself with nostalgia..or bore you for that matter..cause i know of three people that will prob read this whole damn thing....lol...  I just think of all these different scenerios and situations where everyone has helped me out or made me laugh,,and i realized..that i never thanked any one of them.....I never just stopped and said thank you...thanks for everything...  I hope that in those moments and many others that my appreciation was implied for them...

If I had a drink in my hand...I would say cheers to the many more moments like we've all had....Im so ready for the next group of fun crazy shenanigans that we all are gonna get ourselves into the next few years..

Hmm...i feel wierd

Rock on.
Last day of work....feels completely amazing...and liberating as well..

There will be a bonfire soon to burn all of my CB clothes.....

I have wished for alot of things...some have come true..and others havent....but

Im hoping that things get back to normal around here and stabalized...because all of this nonscense at 23 is driving me crazy......and its making me sad,......

I have always hated being put into situations where you have to take sides....i hate being thrown into a hige mess...that has completely nothing to do with me...but yet still come out as the bad guy.

I wish I had a fairy Godmother....so i could ask for help....

I need guidance....

I need to know that shit wont turn bad 

and most importantly...I need to know that Im loved uncondionally forever....it doesnt matter the stupid shit I say....or the actions that I take....if i make minor mistakes, piss you off .or dont think sometimes...I just have to know that at the end of the day.....you'll be by my side.

I always thought it would be all of us against the world.
 I need to get the fuck out of this city!!  Its so wierd to live a life next to your family and feel like there is nothing relevant between you except for blood.  If I could wrap my Asian and my Gay boy up and take them with me to escape pcola I would do it in a heart beat.  I cant stay here...I cant live each day in close distance to these Frost's that are completly crazy and insane.  I have no idea how I turned out the way I am...maybe im the insane one..the one that has to go against anything that is good or right.  Maybe im a drama queen...always wanting to complain about something....and always thinking everyone is against me...always portraying the victim.  

Why do guys act the way they do?  Why do guys have to believe one thing..and then change it just to make their girl happy?  Be straight with me...please...its not that hard..when you tell me one thing..or believe one thing...and then change your ways just because you want to please your girl..totally makes you look like an asshole to me.  and a douche bag.  No matter how many outlets I have to the guy world...no matter how many inside information I get from a guys perspective..ill never understand that shit....it really does baffle me...Its hard to realize that you come second to someone that is completely a false and fake person....friendship is slowly becoming obsolete with some people.  Im a young women..and its really not that hard for me to say..peace out bitch....this was a waste of time for me to be your friend.  Ill stick up for my friends till the day I die because I love them that much...even if we become distanced...

Im so ready to have a start over in life..if thats even possible......Im tired of fake people and fake situations... 

and im so pissed off at myself

Jan. 13th, 2010

 Im rolln so hard right now...its unbelievable.  I just chilled w Ant..and now im sitting at home...listening to music..and Im having the best time ever.  Ive sitting here thinking about everuthing....and .....its just tripping my mind...I live everyone Im surrounded by....

life is beautiful.

Oct. 30th, 2009

sat-16 hours
sun-12 hours
monday-10 hours and babysitting
tuesday-10 hours, overnight babysitting
wednesday-day off and overnight babysitting
thursday-was my day off...taken away...10 hours..and guess what..overnight babysitting
friday-13 hours

Cox owes me $112 dollars for overpayment
Gulf power owes me $22 dollars for overpayment

My dad and his wife and michael left this weekend for tennessee without children...assumed I had time to babysit...huge fight...michael had to stay...huge fight again,,,

dad blamed bailey for flea problem...beat robby continuously for hours for having fleas...kicked both dogs out of house permanently..huge fight again....no sleep worrying about bailey...dad finds out flea problem is from wife's fertilizer she bought for her plants....no apology....dogs still have to stay outside...permanently 

Quite smoking for five days...until now

has till sunday to clear out her apartment with her shit she has not packed yet

had to borrow money from day to pay rent

I hate it here..and when I say here..I mean being ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ive been trying so hard to seclude myself from everyone..because i am so upset....and i will only bring the happiness level down in a social setting
 Ive been trying to make changes to myself in order to fit in more with everyone else....sometimes i feel like its everyone else vs me...and im losing ... everyone else is on the bandwagon sort of speak...and im just trailing behind.....Ive missed alot of experiences because I was logically thinking about the outcomes.....at the time i thought that was smart...but now..Im not soo sure...  Its quite frustrating to feel left behind...and I have no idea why I feel that way.....Its a complete waiting game and im becoming very impatient day by day....waiting for things to happen.......

Im tired of people attacking me about things I really dont care about...asking ridiculous questions about my life and the way i live it.......

I like what i do..day by day...and I feel as if I change that i will be conforming to the very thing I hate most.  To no be Jessie.  cause seriously...who can live without Jessie......honestly...lol...

I like to laugh at funny things...and I like being indecisive...I like my hats..and I can wear them whenever I god damn feel like it..whether its 100 degrees out or not....I like to rock my chucks..and I like not too think to hard about situations and problems...

and if you dont like that well then...You dont like Jessie.   thats ur loss for sure buddy.................

I hate stupid people!

 I took bailey to the vet on friday for a usual checkup...Found out some bad news about a condition she has. They wanted to put her down on friday...they said that she would eventually die...Im not gonna lie...It completely broke my heart.  The only other option is surgery on her heart.  she would have to stay at the vet for a month after the surgery....It costs alot of money...I could buy a car for the amount it would take to save her life...I had to break my lease...and move in with my dad in order to do this...Im deeply depressed...and tired of crying...All of this on one day..I didnt stop crying from 8am till about 11 pm  friday night...My eyes were swollen when i woke up the this morning....Im sitting here writing this from the very room I was once in 3 years ago. My belongings placed in the same location as when I was a child....I feel like Ive back tracked alittle..Im pissed off..and angry with myself...but i feel like I have no choice..It sounds silly to everyone else Im sure..but Bailey is the shit...and i cant imagine having her not next to me...you know..it still breaks my heart to even think about it..There still isnt even a 100 percent chance that the surgery will even help her..she could die from that too..I think im going to be distant for a while from everyone..until I have a chance to catch my breathe on this whole situation.......Its crazy to think that life can just change in one split second.  Bailey..you owe me one girl.

Sep. 22nd, 2009

 How do you know who is the one??  Do you just know?  Do you feel it?  How do you know the person you passed on the street..or the person you didnt give the time of day to  or a friend.. was supposed to be your soul mate?  Do I even believe in soul mates?  I dont know.  I dont know that answer to any of these questions.  People always tell me..its just trial and error...But honestly..how do you know...should i have spent more time fixing the problems in these relationships instead of just throwing in the towel...I give up way too easy..If something doesnt feel right or go my way or isnt perfect..I just toss it aside.  should I have given you a chance...could it have worked out completely?  I'll never know..because I gave up....................  i need ADVICE!!!!!  But....knowing me...Ill still have my walls up..for a reasons that I prob will never get passed...I need a deep personal conversation with someone..but I dont know how to do that.


I dont understand why people just cant let others be happy....

Be with who you want to be with...if they make you happy..then what is there to talk about....If you have the best time ever with them....then shit....good for you!!  And..when your with them..you just so happen to forget about shitty stuff thats going on in ur life..well then....there is nothing more to say....I dont understand why people cant be more supportive...

Dont listen to what they say!!  dont let them get to you with their little laughters and snickers.!!!

I hung out with the both of you...and it made me happy!!!

Hang in there Chad..hang in there!!!!!!  and you might be right about them being jealous...lol...jk...jk..but seriously Your Coworkers=Jealous Much!!!




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