Thingz · happen....Deal · with · it

sat-16 hours
sun-12 hours
monday-10 hours and babysitting
tuesday-10 hours, overnight babysitting
wednesday-day off and overnight babysitting
thursday-was my day off...taken away...10 hours..and guess what..overnight babysitting
friday-13 hours

Cox owes me $112 dollars for overpayment
Gulf power owes me $22 dollars for overpayment

My dad and his wife and michael left this weekend for tennessee without children...assumed I had time to babysit...huge fight...michael had to stay...huge fight again,,,

dad blamed bailey for flea problem...beat robby continuously for hours for having fleas...kicked both dogs out of house permanently..huge fight again....no sleep worrying about bailey...dad finds out flea problem is from wife's fertilizer she bought for her plants....no apology....dogs still have to stay outside...permanently 

Quite smoking for five days...until now

has till sunday to clear out her apartment with her shit she has not packed yet

had to borrow money from day to pay rent

I hate it here..and when I say here..I mean being ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ive been trying so hard to seclude myself from everyone..because i am so upset....and i will only bring the happiness level down in a social setting

 Ive been trying to make changes to myself in order to fit in more with everyone else....sometimes i feel like its everyone else vs me...and im losing ... everyone else is on the bandwagon sort of speak...and im just trailing behind.....Ive missed alot of experiences because I was logically thinking about the outcomes.....at the time i thought that was smart...but now..Im not soo sure...  Its quite frustrating to feel left behind...and I have no idea why I feel that way.....Its a complete waiting game and im becoming very impatient day by day....waiting for things to happen.......

Im tired of people attacking me about things I really dont care about...asking ridiculous questions about my life and the way i live it.......

I like what i do..day by day...and I feel as if I change that i will be conforming to the very thing I hate most.  To no be Jessie.  cause seriously...who can live without Jessie......honestly...lol...

I like to laugh at funny things...and I like being indecisive...I like my hats..and I can wear them whenever I god damn feel like it..whether its 100 degrees out or not....I like to rock my chucks..and I like not too think to hard about situations and problems...

and if you dont like that well then...You dont like Jessie.   thats ur loss for sure buddy.................

I hate stupid people!

 I took bailey to the vet on friday for a usual checkup...Found out some bad news about a condition she has. They wanted to put her down on friday...they said that she would eventually die...Im not gonna lie...It completely broke my heart.  The only other option is surgery on her heart.  she would have to stay at the vet for a month after the surgery....It costs alot of money...I could buy a car for the amount it would take to save her life...I had to break my lease...and move in with my dad in order to do this...Im deeply depressed...and tired of crying...All of this on one day..I didnt stop crying from 8am till about 11 pm  friday night...My eyes were swollen when i woke up the this morning....Im sitting here writing this from the very room I was once in 3 years ago. My belongings placed in the same location as when I was a child....I feel like Ive back tracked alittle..Im pissed off..and angry with myself...but i feel like I have no choice..It sounds silly to everyone else Im sure..but Bailey is the shit...and i cant imagine having her not next to me...you know..it still breaks my heart to even think about it..There still isnt even a 100 percent chance that the surgery will even help her..she could die from that too..I think im going to be distant for a while from everyone..until I have a chance to catch my breathe on this whole situation.......Its crazy to think that life can just change in one split second.  Bailey..you owe me one girl.

 How do you know who is the one??  Do you just know?  Do you feel it?  How do you know the person you passed on the street..or the person you didnt give the time of day to  or a friend.. was supposed to be your soul mate?  Do I even believe in soul mates?  I dont know.  I dont know that answer to any of these questions.  People always tell me..its just trial and error...But honestly..how do you know...should i have spent more time fixing the problems in these relationships instead of just throwing in the towel...I give up way too easy..If something doesnt feel right or go my way or isnt perfect..I just toss it aside.  should I have given you a chance...could it have worked out completely?  I'll never know..because I gave up....................  i need ADVICE!!!!!  But....knowing me...Ill still have my walls up..for a reasons that I prob will never get passed...I need a deep personal conversation with someone..but I dont know how to do that.

Im kinda glad things turned out the way they are...People come and go all the time..you barely realize who is really there for you and what friends you would be their for if they needed you too.  I can slowly feel myself becoming myself again..lol...Work drama has quieted down....and so has life drama..sort of...lol...I hate when my work and life get so jumbled up into one big mess...it leaves me wanting to run for cover...Work has always been my outlet...When Im at work..I dont think about shit that is troubling me at home or between friends.  But lately work has becoming an even bigger stress over the past few months..Im having a hard time adjusting...having my work....my sanctuary...be overloaded with so much hassle...has left me stranded without a clue on how to get past all these hard times...  Thank god I have my besties!!!  

Im very lucky...and so are you.

Im uspet at myself.  I attempt not to make goals for myself in order to not make another let down in my life be known...but I did set a goal for myself decades ago....And this saturday will be the ultimate proof that I suck at life...  23 was the year I was supposed to have everything together...it was the year that everything would change and switch over...I even had a checklist that I kept which is dated 1992...which clearly states in dark permanent marker the ambitions and goals that were to be achieved before that day.  Not a single one I can check off....not a single one.  I know life isnt about checklists but this one was really important to me....Its so wierd...the feeling....in life people let you down all the time..its normal..but when you let yourself down...its hard to come back from that....

Im hitting the town tonight...mamma needs drugs, alcohol and her besties to ease this pain....

Ladies night here I come!!!

Peace 

Its so wierd to know someone just by stories..and simply like them just because of how people portray that person...and then when you finally meet them...they are exactly how you thought they would be....It was a complete breathe of fresh air.

silly crushes...!!!!

<3

Its hard juggling things in life....Trying to make everyone happy around you at the same time...sometimes proves completely impossible...Things feel really unbalanced in life right now....I have no idea why....I just need time to get back to "normal" so I dont feel so crazy and out of it.  I want my usual routine back!!!

Its hard to think where we will be in five years or ten.  Im scccarrreeddd!!!!!  I just want things to stay right like they are...My biggest fear is that my gay boy, big head, and asian are going to leave town..just like everyone else.

I have had such amazing times with everyone. and these people..its ridiculous...There is nothing really to be mad about or angry about in my life..I am surrounded by wicked rad people..I have everything I need at this moment in time...

I am very happy...

and

I love you.

i love it when people log into my stuff....and post entries....!!!!!! which are completely untrue!!!!!

LOLZ!!!!!!!!

&nbsp;Im glad I have a few select people around me that I absolutely adore!!! I do believe they are like the rad-est, most funniest, considerate, and genuine people I know

<3

&nbsp;Im really glad I have my own place..because i slowly start to feel everything fail before me..and its good not to be surrounded by people when you feel yourself slowly starting to disintegrate.  

Im being demoted at work.

Replaced.

Ive felt used alot in a sense..

but never this much...I feel like every part of me has been used to gain some sort of advantage for others sake....

I cant think of any way to deal with all of this....every day some sort of conflict arises that completely fucks up my world....

Im completely out of options...out of ideas...out of everything...

&nbsp;Life has its way of sending me on a rollercoaster like its nothing...I feel so ridiculous right now...I have no money...no time..and Im starting to really really despise my job.  Ive got soo much running through my head..and have no time to sort any of it out...

In the working environment..Im a quick judger..it doesnt matter if your my best friend, or someone I just met..If you dont have a good work ethic..I dont like you.  My new manager has only been working here for 4 days..and already shes pissing me off..I feel like we have our roles reversed..Im supposed to be taking the stress off of her working day..not the other way around....The other day she told me she was going to do some paperwork for me so that I can do other shit that needed to be done because of deadline..she promised me she would do it...and then I got an angry phone call from home office telling me none of the shit got done.wtf...did she do for four hours, nothing!!!???  

It pisses me off when I bust my ass all day..and that im even there more than the manager..and SHE decides that she can just leave early every fucking day!!

Shes already lied to me three times about stupid shit...she told me she was going to clean the front porch..instead I see her walk all the way to her car..hop in..close the door;..and stay in her car for thirty minutes...then she looks me in the eye and tells me .."Geeze..the reason why that took so long was because this lady out on the porch just wanted to talk the energy outta me"  WTF!!!  I saw you bitch!!  Dont lie to me..and she did that 2 more time.s..the next two times she stayed in her car for an hour each...

I told her I was going on vacation every single day this week..Even when she was doing the schedule today..and what does she do...she schedules me for work anyways!!!  And then she made a big deal about how now she has to rework the schedule and now Ive put her in an irritated mood.  Well if she didnt talk to her boyfriend all fucking day on the phone..she would have heard me tell her.

so then I talk to Brigid..who I babysat for..and she proceeds to tell me that vacation checks dont get delivered to the store till two weeks after you get back from vacation.  Well as for my luck..my vacation cuts into  two weeks..which means im out of a two weeks worth of checks..and wont recieve that money till..o what was the date she told me JUNE FUCKING 11th!!!  not too mention there gonna screw me out of another check because my hours starting tmrw are as follows:
Friday: 6am-10pm
Saturday: 6am-10pm
Sunday: 8am-9pm
Monday: 6am-9pm
Tuesday: 6am-10pm

Hmm..what do i bet that there not going to pay me overtime..nope..what there gonna do is there just gonna take those 35 extra overtime hours..cut them up into small pieces and add prob 5-8 hours onto each check..which means I actually wont get paid for all this labor until the beginning of July...and if they do that..

I QUIT!!!

which brings me into even more drama...I have currently 111.13 in my checking..and approx. 13.32 in my savings...I have an uncashed check of 270...Rent is payed up thank god..but theres no extra money to do anything with...I almost broke down at my dads house yesterday because i was this close to asking him if I could sleep on the couch for a month or so..so I can get a place...i dunno what will happen...Having a roommate with bad credit..o wait what did the realtor say "ridiculously bad credit" doesnt make it easier to move out with either...

Im just so fucking stressed...that I need to keep away from people..because I feel like Im gonna yell at everyone..well mostly everyone..

I just vaccumed two days ago..and guess what the story of my life...theres already crap on the floor...

I did the dishes two days ago as well..and guess what story of my life...theres dishes stacked up with dried up ketchup on them and caked on shit..hmm..and the dishwasher is completely empty..how bizarre and fucking lazy is that shit...

Im done with this shit...completely...i just want to be left alone for quite a while till my head stops spinning...and I can breathe

Peace out..actually no peace at all...Fuck it

&nbsp;I am so wicked excited to leave PC for ORLANDO!!!  Not only do I get to spend alone time with ant and tu, but at the end of the drivin trip is the wonderful Anna and Ry Ry!!!

My new manager starts today...Im a tad bit nervous though....Ive gotten so used to not having a manager around, it will be very hard to adjust....but I hope my work load will be lessened somewhat.

There has been so much drama going on that we have all been pulled into to..that frankly isnt even my drama to begin with..but I guess in a sense its good that its not mine..because I can easily just be like "Peace" from all the nonsense and skip my merry ass away from these childish situations.

&nbsp;Work 8-3 today...THEN!!!

GOLDEN CORREL!!!!!
yes....sweet awsmness!!!

Doing nothing but the good things in life lately.

Have been seeing alot of Dammon and Rex...which is completely good for the soul.

Had our bit of crazy random people trying to hitch a ride on the sleepover at the apartment WITHOUT permission.

had a blasy blast at the club..the DJ was pretty rad as well...

I really need to hire someone to iron my work clothes..it makes me very depressed in the morning before I have to go to work.

I miss:

Anna, Bryan, Amir, and Amanda!!!

and someone else.

I wish I wasnt so indecisive.  It makes it very difficult in certain situations.

I have a date friday.

Finally.

Peace.

&nbsp;Things have been extremely hectic this year...Last Thursday I just snapped though..Usually when I get fed up with bullshit..I can simply step outside, clear my head..and move on.  Everything just came to me at once though.  i was still hurting badly from my money being stolen, my car was now starting not to be dependable.  I thought my roomies were upset at me.  Work was complete bullshit...my dad was pissing me off....My brother was pissing me off...everything just came colliding out of nowhere all on a thursday.  I remember the defing moment of my collapse..I was just told I had four doubles the next week..I saw nothing but RED...I went into the office..grabbed my shit..and left..  I stopped at a gas station to get some cigs..and just headed on the highway..about 2 hours later my car stalled as I weened my way off the road.  I sat there for a second..kinda laughing partly..cause out of everything else that happened to me that day..let by all means my car break down in god knows where...I cryed for hours...and smoked my cigs for hours..having deep meaningful conversations with myself about life's direction and why it was doing this to me...A man pulled over..saw that I was distraught..I explained I could care less about my car..but that my day was a dread.  He laughed..we sat.  he gave me advice..we smoked..my car was jumped..and I was on my way HOME.  which is where i wanted to be all along.

I hate letting things like this get me upset....I just want everyone to be happy..and I want to be happy too!!...

thank god I have such a wonderful support system at home...I dont know where I would be without these people.

They hired a retail manager finally...my hours will get cut..but my sanity will be back to normal.

Ive been saving...Its hard..on my heart...and my spending gene.  

Im exctied about DanE coming back this summer!!

Im alitttle nervous about DanE coming back this summer!!

but happy :P

Spending a day at the beach completely cleansed my soul...and made me just a tinge tanner....or less whiter...which would prob be more precise.

 I like hanging out with bailey, zippy and mclennon when no one is home...they all make my heart happy...especially when they are all asleep right next to me cuddled on top of each other.  

Its funny..Im looking at them right now..and each of them remind me so much of the roomies..its the incredible trio!!!!

well work in the morning..

Peace